A.J.Barnes: Easter Egg Balls

Warning: I’m going to discuss my scrotum in this post, so if that’s a subject you might possibility find offensive, stop reading now. Also, now would be a good time to mention that there are no photos of my scrotum (or any scrotums) in the post.

Over the Easter holiday we spent a majority of the weekend working in the vegetable garden. Since it was Easter some people may wonder why we were not in church. My point of view is if the Higher Power really wants me to be in church he/she would not allow Atlanta’s NBC affiliate to broadcast Meet The Press from 10:00 to 11:00 on Sunday mornings.

While in the garden, I think I got a chigger bite. For those of you who may not be aware of what a chigger is, Google it. I’m not really sure myself. But, it seems they usually bite on or near your private parts and it itches. When we were kids, my grandmother referred to them as Red Bugs. They’re too small to see so I don’t know how she knew they were red. I assume she called them Red Bugs because the bite spot is red and the bitch itches.

This year we added a lot of pine straw to help control the weeds in the vegetable beds. Chiggers like pine straw. I was wearing cargo shorts commando. Get the picture.

I haven’t had a chigger bite in years. I grew up in South Carolina and our house was surrounded by ‘the woods’. In South Carolina ‘the woods’ are filled with mostly pine trees, which mean there are chiggers. During the summer months, my two younger brothers and I did what all little boys do. We played in ‘the woods’. We built forts, made bike paths, climbed trees and all the other normal stuff little kids do. Many summers, while my mother was at work we were dropped off at my grandmother’s for safe keeping. My grandmother was an avid gardener. All my knowledge of plants, gardening, common sense, sarcasm and bad attitude I learned from her. We loved to play in her greenhouse and help her pick vegetables. Also, her house was surrounded by ‘the woods’, so when we became bored with helping her in the garden we ran wild through the pine trees.

In South Carolina during the summer months it’s hot & humid. So, generally we wore a pair of beat up shorts, a cheap tee shirt and flip flops. WOW, I just realized that’s still my summer outfit of choice! Some things never change.

We had all the normal accidents associated with little kids playing in ‘the woods’ - cuts, bruises, stepping on rusty things, setting each other on fire, hitting each other in the head with fishing lures, etc…

But, the issues I remember most were the Red Bug bites. It seemed we were always getting eaten alive by the Red Bug chiggers and they itched. But, my grandmother had a solution. She kept bottles of nail polish handy. Whenever we complained of a chigger bite, she would dab it with nail polish.

Don’t ask me why. She was born in 1914. There were a lot of things she did that could be considered unusual. She wasn’t particular about the color. Generally she tried to save the clear polish for scrotum painting, but my two youngest aunts were still in high school so there was lots of dime store nail polish around the house. And, when you are seven years old and your balls are itching, you don’t really care what color granny uses, just as long as it provides some relief.

I really don’t know whether it worked. I think it was just another one of my grandmother’s wives tales. But we swore by it. After all, we had to get the problem taken care of so we could get back in ‘the woods’ to rake away the pine straw for more bike paths, thus getting more chiggers.

By middle of the summer our scrotums looked like miniature Easter egg baskets. Our balls were polka dot, adorned with shades of pink, red, and coral spots.

So, I guess it’s appropriate I got a chigger bite on Easter weekend. Maybe it’s because I don’t go to church. Maybe it’s because I was planting tomatoes in pine straw. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t wearing my Calvin’s, but I want to believe it was just a flash back of time spent gardening with my grandmother; a time when you were so young you didn’t care if granny saw your balls.